It’s hard to imagine life before candy. Sometimes I sit here for hours, staring into the past trying to remember what it was like, but I never seem to get very far.

 

            I guess the last thing I could think of is sitting with him; I remember telling him it’s not me, I won’t do it. His name was Chris I was barely sixteen and doing everything any other sixteen year old did. I drank, smoked cigarettes, and smoked weed. Then again those were pretty much my limits. When I say pretty much I mean I have only taken shrooms once or twice and pills occasionally, But nothing more.

 

            We were at his dealer’s house; I guess he was a friend of ours. I didn’t know him as well but Chris really liked his candy. I watched them do it over and over. It never bothered me that was there weed, there booze. See it was a different fun. Of course I thought about it once or twice, how it made you feel, if I would look different. I would never try it, but then again they never asked.

 

            The night I tried Candy for the first time Chris and I had gotten into a fight. I don’t remember what about, but I do know that we were both so heated we wanted to relax. When I started yelling he said, “Just do this with me, you’ll like the way it makes you feel.” That’s when I exploded, “Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not me, I won’t do it.” “How would you know, you’ve never tried it.” That’s where he made his point and I couldn’t disagree.

 

I watched him get everything ready, melt down the powder on the tinfoil, then get the needle ready. “Is that clean, I won’t use anything dirty.” “Yes, last clean one just for you.” I was nervous as shit, thought about backing out, but how could you be so unsure about something you have never tried. So I didn’t back out. The smell, was so indescribable kind of like meth but stronger, or not as strong I’m not sure. He wrapped a type of tourniquet thing on my arm. Then all that was left was actually doing it. Finding a vein was stressful, once you found one it was the thought of whether you were going to go through with it or not.

 

Once the needle went through my skin, my eyes started to water, but when I untied the tourniquet and felt the drugs go through my veins was what really got me. I just felt numb but relieved at the same time; Kind of happy, and really good. “Just relax and breathe”, said Chris.

 

My first high is what made it so good and worth it. After that I was high for like two days straight. On the third day coming down felt so uncomfortable and wrong I just wanted to stay high. I took the same as the first time and didn’t get as high. I wanted that same feeling back but it wasn’t going to happen, so I took more.

Beer bottles on the ground,
she cries without a sound
As she feels the pound,
while she hits the ground
against her cheek,
is where his fist meets
It's not the first time
he's committed this crime
surely not the last, as she crawls back
just to feel another smack.

It would have worked out just fine if it hadn’t been for me getting pregnant. I was so stupid; I can’t believe it really happened. I wished it was a dream or just a cruel joke, but it was real. This bump on my stomach is totally real. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m a fourteen year old girl that had sex one time, and I ended up with a baby.

It all started about a month ago, I was at a party with my friend Harmony and there was this cute guy that had been looking over at me all night.

“Harmony just go talk to him”, said Harmony.

So I did. His name was Justin, tall cute and seventeen. Nice, almost three years older then me but he didn’t know that, and I kept it that way.

When we got back to his place I started to feel a bit dizzy.  

“Do you have somewhere I could lay down, I’m not feeling so good.”

 “Yeah, you can go lay down on my bed follow me.”

Of course the dizzy thing was just a lie. I just wanted to get him to the bed. I lay down on the bed and then Justin lay down with me, he started rubbing my arm and asking me if I felt better. We started kissing and then he asked me how many people I’ve had sex with.

“I’ve only had sex a couple times”, I lied.

He assumed I wasn’t a virgin so I let him believe it.

I did feel a little sick in the morning, but I blamed that on the Heny, just a hangover.  I looked over,

 “Oh my god”,

 I tried to talk to him, well I thought about it, but instead I just got dressed quickly and went home. I was so embarrassed, I can’t believe I was so stupid enough to lose my virginity to a guy a barely knew. The worst part is he didn’t even wear a condom. When I got home I ran straight upstairs to my room. I laid on my bed and thought about what happened. I decided just to forget about it and act like nothing ever happened.                       The next couple weeks went by quickly, but then I realized my period never came. It was a week and a half late! After school I went to the drugstore and picked out a test and slid it in my sweatshirt. I snuck it out of the store and ran home, I ran straight up to the bathroom and looked the door. I pee on the stick and waited, I swear that was the longest minute of my life, but what I found out wasn’t too satisfying. I was pregnant. Those two lines made my heart stop, and my throat got real dry.

I began to cry, I didn’t know how to react or how I was going to tell anyone. Someone started to knock on the door.

“Who is it?”, I said emotional as ever.

 “It’s your mom, can I come in?”

I didn’t really know what to say so I just walked to the door unlocked it and said,

“Come in.”

 She noticed right away that something was wrong she wrapped her arms around me as she closed the door.

“Honey I think I know what’s wrong.”

I looked at her, the tears rolling down my face; I had no control over them.

“Y you do, but how?”

 She looked at me and smiled;

 “I’m your mom sweetie, and plus how could I not you left the pregnancy test box in the bathroom.” 

I let out a small laugh and began to cry more.

“Why me, why did I have to be so stupid? I don’t even know the guys last name.” “I still love you honey, we all make mistakes, it will all be fine, I promise.”

“If things don’t work out, I will be there for you no matter what, so things happen in life that we don’t want to happen, but you learn from it. So what’s the guys name? Are you going to tell him about it? You can’t just hide it, people are going to find out soon enough. Well whatever you do I hope you make the right choice.”

Through all my mom’s concerns, cares, whatever all I wanted her to do was shut up so I could think. I just said

“I love you too,”

and walked away. I stopped thinking about my mom’s so called

“Words of Wisdom.”

It was four o’ clock the next day and I was feeling so stressed that I decided to call up some old friends. I got to there house and I was only going to smoke weed because I didn’t think it would hurt, and it didn’t until I’d smoked so much that I had really bad cotton mouth and the only thing in the fridge to drink was beer.

“One won’t hurt.” I said to myself and cracked open a can of Busch Light.

 It was like my tongue was injected with heroin. I knew it wasn’t good for the baby but what the hell? It just tasted so fucking good. One led to another and after the lat beer in the fridge I was shitfaced drunk.

“Wish mom could see me now”, as I puked into the toilet.

 At that point I don’t remember if I wasn’t remembering m baby, or just wasn’t caring. I had a terrible headache, it sounded like a never ending ring, and that’s when I realized I was in the ambulance. I had drunken so much I got alcohol poisoning.

The worst part was at the hospital. All I really remember is the doctors shoving tubes down my throat, making me puke even more. The pain was excruciating. I wish I could just pass out, the doctors told my mom that they were amazed I even lived. My alcohol level was sky high, they didn’t know if the baby would live or not either. That was the scary part; I actually forgot that I was pregnant. How could I be so stupid?

I’m laying in a hospital bed and al, I can think about is the baby. I still didn’t know what I was going to do; abortion is out of the question. So if it lives, I think I’m gonna keep it.

“Where’s my mom?”, I asked with a shiver.

“Honey I’m right here”, she said with tears streaming down her cheeks.

A while later we got the news we were waiting for, the baby had surprisingly lived. Even though I still felt like dying I didn’t care anymore. I was so focused on the baby. I was so happy that the baby lived, that everything was numb to me, the pain my mom, telling Justin, just everything.

I knew from that moment on I had taken too much advantage of this poor baby.

“I have to keep it”, I said to myself.

 This is gonna hard, but I can make it on my own. Always have, always will. My mind was made and no one could change it. I thought about trying to get a hold of Justin to tell him, but I figured it would be the same either way, so I just let it be. This is going to be the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

The moment I left that hospital I knew I had made the right decision about the baby. I was ready, ready to take this on and be a mom at fourteen. There is so much in life that a person my age has to look forward to, but having a baby isn’t supposed to be so soon. Some people would look at me and be disappointed, ashamed, maybe even astonished; but these are the cards I dealt to myself. I’m ready to start my new life, a life of being a young mom.

“Here I go”, I said;

 as I was leaving my youth further and further behind.

In my world of complete peace everyone can spend their whole day without anything going wrong. No forgetting things, fighting, arguements, or problems. Everyone could just be stress free, no worries of pressure, responsibilities, friends, family, boyfriend or girlfriends. All the hate in the world could just be gone. High school wouldn't be full of rumors that make someone crazy or so stressed they'd rather just die. Every hateful word just makes you wanna curl up and hide away from everything. The streets would be free and safe to roam of all hours. no rapists, robbers, or just rude ass people. There wouldn't be such untrusting friends that talk shit behing your back and try to fuck your boyfriend. It's sad that people have to believe to keep their friends close, but there enemies closer. That would be nothign to live by in a world of peace. People of special needs could be happy and not made fun of by ignorant people. Their would be trust and love for one another. People would help each other. You could trust each other, you could lend someone money and know they'll pay you back. Trust someone with something valuable to you, you wouldn't have to worry about laeving your door unlocked or your kids walking home to school. letting your babies stay in daycare without having to worry if someone was abusing or mistreating them. when someone tells you they love you they respect you and be committed to being with ONLY you. You're best friend won't become your worst enemy, and  your siblings won't hook up with your boyfriends or girlfriends. You won't ever hear of murders, rapes, missing kids, or crimes. All the racsism will dissapear. My biggest problem with this world is i don't understand it. How can someone do you so dirty?? People have grown to not notice the difference of hate and love, it starts with young kids not knowing any better and being raised to think it's okay.  But it's not and it's infecting the whole world.

I think we should have days where we could write about whatever we feel like. Write about loife experiences or our community. Alot of the time we write about things that have to do with what we want when we get older. i think that's a good topic also. I like writing about issues we have sometimes at schoo. I think it would be cool to maybe do a little research on different music and write about it. I'm sure we'll work more on are short stories as well if we already started one. I hate writing about something that doesn't interest me, then i don't seem to put as much effort into it. 

  It used to be no big thing, i'd be patyin with my friends and hop in any car that was taking me to where i wanted to go. Wether the person driving was drinkin or not. I never cared much, i guess i never thought of the consequences seriously enough until it was my friends life.

  I lost one of my good friends because she was drunk and driving, then it was serious. Once you have to go to your friends funeral because she was being stupid like i was just about every weekend. She was amazing, funny, cute, smart, loyal. She isn't here now and it's a sad thing to think about. The way i think now is, that could have been me. So many times i gave myself that chance. Drinking is one thing, not a problem to me but i won't get in a car with some drunk fool anymore.

It hurt my heart so badly knowing that my friend was gone forever, her whole life was taken from her in a matter of minutes. I know she would take it back if she could, and her family would be in shock if she could have that chance. Being at that funeral was one of the most unhappiest events i ever had to go to. One person dying hurts so many people, and brings so many tears.

There are so many different issues in school these days. It's not just about eduacation anymore, it's everything. Your teachers don't see everything else going on at school. They think they do, but they really don't even know half of it.

The pressure that school puts on you, work, people, friends, drugs, pressure. Wanting to skip, it's the easiest to do when your fustrated and angry. You just want everyone to leave you alone.

Getting high or drunk at school, you think shit i can do my work better if i get baked. You go smoke a bowl and then your cought, your kicked out of school. I know it's wrong but it seems like the people that get cought doing things that obviously not aloud are ones that try to do good and be focused. Other people just get fucked up at school and don't do anything, but they keep getting to go to school.

There is so much that can hold you back that has nothing to do with your work, and it's so hard. The thing that pisses me off the most is trying so hard, doing your best and it's still not good enough. That's how i feel sometimes. I try real hard, i have good days and i accomplish what i think is so much, but it's never enough. Out of those twenty good days, that one bad day will just fuck you over.

There is one thing that i have learned though, no matter how many times you feel like you failed or how many times you think i just can't do it, don't give up. Good results will come to people that do deserve it, and for all those slackers that just get by, they'll get what they deserve.

 

  I have always been raised to believe i can do what i want, nothing can hold me back. Since i've been young i have always believed that, as i get older i start to lose a little faith in that.

  I do things my way, i don't let anyone or anything get in my way of that. My family knows me best for saying "I can Do it." I'm seventeen now, and i believe i'm pretty independent myself. I go to school on my own, i pay for my things, i get by on my own for the most part. For the other my grandma has my back, and always will one hundred percent. I love her for that, and everything else.

  It's the "nothing can hold you back" part that gets me. There are so many things that hold me back from accomplishing everything i want to do. Even the smallest things get me. I want a job, i have everything i need a little low on work experience but i can even speak spanish. For some reason it's just not that easy, either being too young or going to school and they want someone that can work during school. It's always something.

  Trying to do good in school, bt you have those bad days that get you behind. The fustration, the anger, all of it. It bites you right in the ass and holds you back.